I think Bacon has a strong running in the presidential race.  It’s got a bold new take on the economy (‘Sizzle’ is a response lesser candidates may have been afraid to use, but not Bacon), and it’s got a strong traditional American daily value of protein.

However, what I think is gonna hurt bacon more than anything this November is in the environmental issues and corporate bailouts.  Granted, the environment is not a huge issue this year, but Bacon’s policies just seem fatty and greasy.  And regardless of what Bacon says, it’s hard to separate yourself from corporate pigs eating at the trough of the American tax payer when they are essentially responsible for getting you where you are today.

Really I think it’s anyone’s game in November.  But luckily, Bacon is also delicious.  So there’s that.  Won’t count on the vegetarian vote. But I don’t think vegetarians can vote…  can they?  Aren’t they like on the same level as convicts or something?

(Question from Twitter: @RakaelWhispers) 

A: God does not exist.  Never has, never will. What people tend to think of as God is actually a sentient fungus that grew on a small meteor that got stuck in orbit around the earth.  It’s been there FOREVER.  But it has in recent decades invaded one sattelite after another, taking over and merging with the computers to form a bio-mechanic artificially intelligent spy network.

And despite popular belief it doesn’t hate Stephen Fry.  It hates all British people. For reasons beyond human comprehension.  Maybe because of the Beatles?

This has got to be the most offensive question I’ve ever received.  It’s only been MONTHS since the Adverb Bombing attack on Conjuction Junction, and now you ask THIS? You people make me sick.

Fortunately, most adjectives are not inherently dangerous.  You’d have to know how to use them properly to create any massive destruction.  While it’s true that both predicative and attributive adjectives have been known causing nausea during over exposure, it’s not until you try to combine multiple absolute adjective together then they can become increasingly volatile especially when in close proximity to post-positive adjectives.  This could easily build up and explode, destroying literature for a several kilometer wide radius.

Of course only a monster would attempt to do something like that. A MONSTER.

Like most sinister plots, it was for the ‘greater good’.  Deep below the surface of Europe, in the realm of Svartálfaheimr, Jacob Grimm sought a way to wield the power of the Dark Elves to benefit all of mankind.  Using their innate knack for building to fuel industry and development across the world.  He traded the soul of his brother to forge a pact with the king of the Dark Elves and create the Storm Bridge, a massive gateway built below what is now “EuroDisney” (NOT a coincidence).

However, the Dark Elves of Svartálfaheimr are a cunning bunch and would not be tricked into slavery for a single soul.  They used their influence to steer the development of technology in a way that benefited them.  Creating much of the modern mythos that we use today in order to secure their place in the dark recesses of all of humanity’s collective unconscious and thus establishing a back door into mind controlling each and every one of us in preparation for The Warring. A massive conflict foretold in the early days of the world that would pit every kind of elf against each other.  The dark elves that control industry, the light elves who control politics, the leprechauns who control the media (see this Ask Vrykerion about that), and the Keeblers - twisted mutated elves that chose to infect mankind with their dark baked goods.

During the Warring, the elves will use men and women to do battle across the entire globe like giant fleshy rockem sockem robots.  Of course, this was not prophecized for years to come, and Jacob Grimm had no way of knowing.  We shouldn’t hold him responsible.

We should hold Mark Zuckerberg - the King of the Dark Elves - responsible.

Cheapest AND most expedient?  Well, if we’re adding both criteria in there, I suppose it would have to be YouTube.

Don’t laugh! Hear me out. YouTube is a globally visited and enjoyed medium.  Anyone can upload and share their videos.  All it would take is some know how to implant strong subliminal messages into videos of crap people like to watch.  Dogs making funny noises, kittens yawning, a pair of women enjoying dairy products, etc.

Soon as you have a couple of viral videos circulating, it’s only a matter of time before the subliminal messages take effect.  You’ll be cruising to ‘Ruler of the World’ on the Information Super Highway (Oh sweet jebus, when was the last time anyone USED that term? 1997?) in no time and it didn’t cost you a dime…  well except the camera and possibly for learning how to implant subliminal messages. But hey, you gotta spend money to make dictatorships.

Ever PLAYED? Hmm… that is a tricky one.  But if I recall correctly, it was Metroid on the NES.  Kinda of a mind blowing experience to hop in one of the most non-linear and utterly directionless games of the day. Luckily, the friend who let me play it was also in posession of “The Black Book” also known as The Official Nintendo Player’s Guide.  Damn handy thing that was.  Had the entire map layout for Zebes in there.  Still, as a kid I really struggled with Kraid’s hideout.  Noveria and Ridley? Easy.  But Kraid had a ton of those really annoying jumping puzzles that drove my impatient pre-pubescent mind mad.

And for the heck of it, first game I ever OWNED was naturally Super Mario Bros. It came in the box. I also got Mega Man 3, and Chip & Dale’s Rescue Rangers at the same time.

There is actually a small gland just above where the spinal cord meets the brain called the Wikiarium Gland.  It’s part of that brain most people think you don’t use, but it is actually a storage device for the genetic memory of your entire species and family line, everything from information to instincts are stored in that little sucker.  Kind of a built in encyclopedia.  But when your brain references something that matches something in the Wikiarium Gland’s “database”, the gland will release a tiny amount of endorphin creating a pleasant feeling of satisfaction about knowing something.

Let me just preface this with saying that the Feline Agenda may force me into hiding after posting this.  If you do not hear from me for a while, all I ask is for you to remember me fondly as a guy who was totally awesome and could fly and shoot laser beam eyes and had like tons of cute girls who wanted to be with him.  Do that for me.

Cats are not animals.  They are machines.  Highly complex organic machines that we were placed here millions of years ago by a tribe of interstellar sages that traverse galaxies sharing wisdom and selling extremely comfortable sandals.  Cats serve as the keys to an ancient device hidden deep within the underbelly of the earth dubbed ‘The Ultimate Solution’.  Upon recognizing the problematic turn in human nature, the cats of the world would activate and send their signal to the device.  This would take the form of a lot of really annoying meowing in a distinct sequence that totally wouldn’t stop, even if I threw a shoe at one of the cats.

Upon activation, the device will spring to life and distort all of space time in order to reverse the flow of time to before the triggering event, and correct for any chance of the event repeating itself by altering humanity’s genetic code ever so slightly until human evolution catches up and triggers the event again.

The trigger is, of course, humanity realizing that prime time sitcoms suck.  Suck big time.  Not even a little funny.  That’s a studio audience laughing?  There are GUNS pointed at them by studio execs.  They HAVE to laugh.  That’s why it sounds so forced and painful with the underlying hint of despair.

The space time reset has happened no less than three times before. How do I know this?  How have I deciphered the secrets of kitties?  I’ve tattooed it on my body.  Scarred my flesh to forever know the horrors that network television has inflicted upon us.  Know their works, AND DESPAIR.

And THAT is how kitties work.

It’s due the Leprechaun Accord of 1943.  You see, while Europe was plunged deeper and deeper into the fires of World War, resources became a constant struggle to maintain.  In addition to a severe lack of pylons, financial strain on the Allied Forces forced them to turn to the most unlikely of allies: the leprechauns.

In exchange for gold to fund the ongoing war with Germany, the Leprechauns would receive a large royalty for anything involving rainbows.  Since that point, the Leprechauns have manipulated industries to fuel their insatiable greed for gold.  Keebler elves rainbow cookies?  HA. Elves indeed. The CEO is a leprechaun.  And say whatever you want about your own racial stereotypes controlling the media, but there is not one major record label that DOESN’T have at least one leprechaun on the board.

THAT my friends is why there are so many songs about rainbows.  Because of the fantastical greed of mythical creatures.